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AND THE HOT TUB WAS LUKEWARM

from EXISTENTIAL RISK by LOSTBOYEVSKY & Egoid

/

lyrics

foot step, foot step, walk, breathe
foot step, look death, talk, see
sometimes feel people stalk me
when did i become averse to eye contact

awaken
eyes open, early afternoon, memory of dream
in which apocalypse was occurring
blink, blink, forget and check Twitter

in a sauna by myself
drops of sweat pooling at my feet
i spit phlegm through the cracks
and continue reading 1Q84

sitting on the couch, thinking
sitting on the couch, reading Twitter
sitting on the couch, reading Reddit
sitting on the couch, reading Facebook
sitting on the couch, reading KOOL AD's parenting column
sitting on the couch, playing online poker
sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her

slicing vegetables, slicing vegetables
slicing carrots, peppers, onions, tomatoes
slicing vegetables, i am calm
concentrate on the task
years slip by as i'm cutting vegetables

living in the thought space
only alive in the realm of the abstract
barely aware of the concrete
having conversations on autopilot
having conversations while wanting to be on the internet
having conversations about things i don't want to have conversations about
spending time with friends
partially
to respect an abstract idea that humans should spend time with friends
partially
because i am actually lonely and need camaraderie
partially
to distract myself from missing her
partially
as a way to pass the years
and partially
because i do love them

as a way to pass the years
as a way to pass the years

one million Macbook keystrokes
one billion Macbook keystrokes

sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her
sitting on the couch, missing her

i brush my teeth and pee at the same time
bristles move across teeth and gums for the 8,000th time
look in the mirror and barely notice myself
older
older

oxygen oxygen oxygen
sleep sleep
sleep

the past is a ghost that infiltrates the present for fun

mind is a broken projector looping the same movie over and over and over

where is she and why did this and how do you live again and where am i going again and look at all of it and i don't know i don't know but i miss the warmth so near like sun heating soil, soil was fertile, what we had, and i uprooted or was uprooted or

exposed exposed
shattered
unrecognizable
staring through a tunnel into a dream of what once was and cannot be again

the shower made a screeching sound reminiscent of a pterodactyl or an old metal door

the song snatched his soul and wrung it out like washcloth
he began to sob, convulse
no choice
tears bursting forth as rain from clouds

and the hot tub was lukewarm

I'm supposed to resign myself to never talking to you again
how can I possibly do that
how can I accept that
I love you
I miss you

credits

from EXISTENTIAL RISK, released May 31, 2017

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jordan bates Villa Las Estrellas, Antarctica

aka jb, lostboyevsky, goku, mowgli, master splinter, ryokan the fool, trick jester, tom bombadil, albus voldemort, etc

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